awesome

I recently reconnected with an old friend on the internet, and it’s so awesome. There’s a remote, emotional connection there that is really giving my strength in a time I desperately need it. God bless The Facebook.

venting

Okay, I need to vent. I’m not sure why I chose a public medium to do so but I’m going to put myself out there. I’m going to put my concerns into an itemized list so I can stop fretting them for the time being.

I am being repeatedly disrespected at work by one person in particular.
Said person has been late four cumulative hours this week (it’s tuesday).
I am trying to help that person grow, but it is proving very difficult for me. It feels like by trying to help them, the worst parts come out against me. (A wise man once described that as “the demons fighting back”)
Last week I considered them my best friend. I cannot say that with confidence anymore. I do not feel like I have a best friend. Not to be emo-boo-hoo about it, but if you asked me who my best friend is, i wouldn’t have an answer. actually, probably Tween.
The lone ray of light in the cold December of my days – Futurama

I have a very low tolerance for bullshit at the moment. Could be coupled from the large amount of BS i put up in my previous relationship. I think this may be contributing to conflicts, but with all the strength in me I can’t seem to put up with it anymore. It seems that the only way to deal with some of this problems is to ignore them or address them. And even the simplest of issues (like being late) triggers an avalanche of excuses and rationalizations.
When I think of this person, the word that comes to mind is “despicable”. It’s harsh. It is not with the person them self; it’s the behavior that’s running on autopilot. Disrespectful, immature, dirty, escapist way of dealing with potential problems. I say potential because with a little restraint they’re wouldn’t even BE problems. I feel tapped so thin right now, and I’m not seeing any improvement. It’s discouraging. All I notice are calls for affirmation.

I learned the proper use of a semicolon today; they’re quite useful.

kay, I feel a little better. I am still pretty upset, but I think I’m going to head over to Dorreen’s hosue to watch a movie with some people. I’m going to bring Tween and attempt to socialize her with other kitties. I’m also going to get a bottle of win, cause I want to drink wine tonight.

heaviness

Written drunk on 11/15/08

Yesterday was a heavy day. I got into a drunken brawl, kind of fucked up. Never been in a situation like that. I don’t even think I got hit, Dave had my back in a very serious way. I’m grateful for him, and grateful for whatever luck or force that helped me not get my face knocked in. Kyle got a bloody nose, he was stepping the hardest but still, I like him so it was so strange to see. I think Julia thinks even less of me now, which is so shitty, because I had hoped to build repoire with her and will last night. It’s so interesting in my experience, the slightest amount of participation in bullshit results in a bunch of bullshit. If i was a less sensitive person perhaps i wouldn’t notice, but I value my sensitivity as a gift, so let a lesson be learned: Don’t Do Shitty Things.

I believe that facing the consequences of my actions, while difficult and painful, is a good way to handle it. I’ve contacted Julia and Will, Kyle and Mike somewhat explaining myself. Kyle came out and apologized, which was very nice. He and I seem to be on the same wavelength, as how fucked up it was. Will hasn’t responded, I guess i didn’t expect him to. I sent him a message ( finally ), with some explanation and giving him and julia my blessings. I think he is an awesome dude, and if he can be committed to Julia even as openly flirty as she can be, well he is a stronger man than I. I truly hope I can still be friends with Julia and Will. I’ve done what I believe I can, so I can only hope they forgive me for the bullshit. I know that I was neither the instigator or the most involved, but a sin is a sin no matter the size. I suppose that is the true lesson. I’ve learned this before when my car got keyed, and now in a new contact. I hope that it sticks this time.

I had a heart to heart with Dave, I think it did him a world of good. It did make me feel better. Perhaps if I didn’t, he wouldn’t have come to the party and the situation would have been different, but I’d like to believe that this whole thing was just some growing pains.

I also had a heart-to-heart with Alex. I can tell Amalia is still spewing venom, but if she wasn’t than she wouldn’t be herself. That is also a result of my actions, so I must deal with it. He basically told me what I should do with my life, explained to me his social value # scale, let me vent a little about Amalia, which I had wanted to do for some time. It’s strange how bad these things make me feel, but like ripping off a band-aid I think in the long run it will be helpful. Oh, about the social value scale. He described #s 6-9. he said I used to be a 7, confrontation and knocking other people down. I used to do that, he pointed out. But what I found funny is that the way he described a #9 is how I feel I truly am, and that #7 behavior was youth coupled with an inflated ego. i know I am a valuable person, and I may not be able to pick up bitches at a bar but I am doing what I believe is right and i know it will pay off. I regret the affect my actions had on others last night, but I do not regret the actions myself. I believe that it has taught me an important lesson I had not retained, and hope it sticks this time. I want to do good. I believe that these painful reminders are mandatory in shaping a decent human being. There can be no light without dark, blah de blah. I guess I’m thankful that this bullshit went down with Perl, and not someone more valuable to me. I do like him, and do not resent him,but if there was ever someone who would be involved in this kind of BS, I suppose he would be the best choice of anyone I know. The results of it on Julia , Will, and Wright I do regret, and If they never want to speak with me again I would be very upset. But I think this will blow over, it’s some drunken bullshit and no one is confused about that.

I believe that by facing the result of my actions rather than shying away will make me a better person. I am thankful for my nature to push me in this direction, and I sincerely hope that I grow to be a good man I desire to be. Something within me is reassuring me as I write this, so I’ll take it as a good sign. The world is what you make it, and I wanted to make it better.

Wright seems to be growing up, he’s looking less boy-ish and seemed cooler in social situations. I don’t know his feelings about me or Moving Box, but perhaps when Liz leaves for L.A. i may see him. I will not press this. It is his choice.

It was Alex’s idea to start writing this heavy stuff down. It really has helped, I’m surprised how much it flows. Kinda makes me wish I had a blog, but it’d probably be so emo no one would want to read it. So i’ll save this in my documents folder. This is track 14, “Attitude” – The Late Mitch Hedburg