heaviness

November 17, 2008

Written drunk on 11/15/08

Yesterday was a heavy day. I got into a drunken brawl, kind of fucked up. Never been in a situation like that. I don’t even think I got hit, Dave had my back in a very serious way. I’m grateful for him, and grateful for whatever luck or force that helped me not get my face knocked in. Kyle got a bloody nose, he was stepping the hardest but still, I like him so it was so strange to see. I think Julia thinks even less of me now, which is so shitty, because I had hoped to build repoire with her and will last night. It’s so interesting in my experience, the slightest amount of participation in bullshit results in a bunch of bullshit. If i was a less sensitive person perhaps i wouldn’t notice, but I value my sensitivity as a gift, so let a lesson be learned: Don’t Do Shitty Things.

I believe that facing the consequences of my actions, while difficult and painful, is a good way to handle it. I’ve contacted Julia and Will, Kyle and Mike somewhat explaining myself. Kyle came out and apologized, which was very nice. He and I seem to be on the same wavelength, as how fucked up it was. Will hasn’t responded, I guess i didn’t expect him to. I sent him a message ( finally ), with some explanation and giving him and julia my blessings. I think he is an awesome dude, and if he can be committed to Julia even as openly flirty as she can be, well he is a stronger man than I. I truly hope I can still be friends with Julia and Will. I’ve done what I believe I can, so I can only hope they forgive me for the bullshit. I know that I was neither the instigator or the most involved, but a sin is a sin no matter the size. I suppose that is the true lesson. I’ve learned this before when my car got keyed, and now in a new contact. I hope that it sticks this time.

I had a heart to heart with Dave, I think it did him a world of good. It did make me feel better. Perhaps if I didn’t, he wouldn’t have come to the party and the situation would have been different, but I’d like to believe that this whole thing was just some growing pains.

I also had a heart-to-heart with Alex. I can tell Amalia is still spewing venom, but if she wasn’t than she wouldn’t be herself. That is also a result of my actions, so I must deal with it. He basically told me what I should do with my life, explained to me his social value # scale, let me vent a little about Amalia, which I had wanted to do for some time. It’s strange how bad these things make me feel, but like ripping off a band-aid I think in the long run it will be helpful. Oh, about the social value scale. He described #s 6-9. he said I used to be a 7, confrontation and knocking other people down. I used to do that, he pointed out. But what I found funny is that the way he described a #9 is how I feel I truly am, and that #7 behavior was youth coupled with an inflated ego. i know I am a valuable person, and I may not be able to pick up bitches at a bar but I am doing what I believe is right and i know it will pay off. I regret the affect my actions had on others last night, but I do not regret the actions myself. I believe that it has taught me an important lesson I had not retained, and hope it sticks this time. I want to do good. I believe that these painful reminders are mandatory in shaping a decent human being. There can be no light without dark, blah de blah. I guess I’m thankful that this bullshit went down with Perl, and not someone more valuable to me. I do like him, and do not resent him,but if there was ever someone who would be involved in this kind of BS, I suppose he would be the best choice of anyone I know. The results of it on Julia , Will, and Wright I do regret, and If they never want to speak with me again I would be very upset. But I think this will blow over, it’s some drunken bullshit and no one is confused about that.

I believe that by facing the result of my actions rather than shying away will make me a better person. I am thankful for my nature to push me in this direction, and I sincerely hope that I grow to be a good man I desire to be. Something within me is reassuring me as I write this, so I’ll take it as a good sign. The world is what you make it, and I wanted to make it better.

Wright seems to be growing up, he’s looking less boy-ish and seemed cooler in social situations. I don’t know his feelings about me or Moving Box, but perhaps when Liz leaves for L.A. i may see him. I will not press this. It is his choice.

It was Alex’s idea to start writing this heavy stuff down. It really has helped, I’m surprised how much it flows. Kinda makes me wish I had a blog, but it’d probably be so emo no one would want to read it. So i’ll save this in my documents folder. This is track 14, “Attitude” – The Late Mitch Hedburg

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